How Rude! The Full House Podcast

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September 2016
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Brad Pike thinks you have a beautiful singing voice and that you're a ten! He also thinks your daddy-daughter dance was absolutely disgusting. What is wrong with you? And what the fuck is wrong with poor Michelle in "The Heartbreak Kid"? She's fallen in love with her sister's man and no one is setting her straight. Wake up, you dumb baby, HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. Meanwhile, Jesse is wrangling with his new Xbox 360, Danny and Joe are at each other's throats over a phantom woman from their past, and sexy Garfield is making everyone cum. Yum-yum! XOXO

Direct download: 116._The_Heartbreak_Kid.m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:06am EDT

James D'Amato of the One Shot podcast is here to assure us that lying is fine. In fact, lying could get you exactly what you want, even if people discover you have been lying. It's great! That's what we're supposed to take away from this week's Full House adventure, right? In "Be True to Your Preschool" our resident toe-headed chicken nugget barf blobs are trying to get into Snob Academy and the only thing standing in their way is their own father. Meanwhile, Kimmy is tooling around in The Wild Thing, a car that belongs to an unseen character we could not be more obsessed with if we tried. Who are you, Garth Gibbler? What is your story? In other news, Brandon is over math lessons being injected into FH, James is looking back on his 16th Hibachi Birthday, and Marco the Gangster is terrorizing the San Fran populace from his cell. Can anyone stop him? SHOULD anyone stop him? XOXO

P.S. A shoutout to Subi Shah for this week's highly disturbing album art!

Direct download: 115._Be_True_to_Your_Preschool.m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:27am EDT

Subi Shah and Cher Vincent are no strangers to the world of deconstructing television: As the hosts of 'Gossip Girls' they know what it means to tackle a show one episode at a time, but they were smart. They picked a show they actually, actively enjoy, whereas we've trapped ourselves in a padded cell with a dopey sitcom we basically can't stand. Thankfully, Subi and Cher agreed to help us bear this wretched cross by watching "Birthday Blues", the episode in which Kimmy finally calls everyone on their shit. Why do they hate her so fucking much? Because her feet stink? As Subi asserts, all feet stink! Butts too. So get the fuck over it, Tanners! Meanwhile, Subi's predictions for the future are scaring the crap out of us, Cher is going into a fugue state while at the bank, and Jon's 21st birthday party was a lame duck disaster. We cannot recommend Subi and Cher's podcast enough, so if you're looking for more TV talk in your life, you're gonna love 'Gossip Girls'. Subscribe today! XOXO

Direct download: 114._Birthday_Blues.m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:05am EDT

Ian Williams may have had his career as a professional ironing board surfer cut tragically short, but that didn't stop him from being our 101st honorary Rude Dude. We'll hear all about Ian's creepy daycare pal, his first date at the age of sixteen, and get a world premiere catch phrase by the time this comes to a close. Unfortunately, we'll also have to putter through "The Dating Game", which is ... not great! Everyone is trying to capture the elusive magic of the "perfect" first date: Stephanie is trying to court Josh, who may or may not be gay dumdum; Danny is trying to reignite a spark with Vicky with a disgusting meat boot; Joey is desperately trying to fuck his boss, and Steve? Steve's just trying to eat, dude. Whaddya got? Fruit? Cool, dude. Donuts? Cool, dude? Tin can found amongst the briny shoreline rocks? Cool, dude. XOXO

Direct download: 113._The_Dating_Game.m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:05am EDT

Mary Catherine Curran rolled over to the studio on her fly as hell Pepsi bike because she's our 100th unique guest and that's how she fucking operates. M-Cat joined us for "A Very Tanner Christmas", in which the two youngest daughters learn an important (offscreen) lesson; Steve alters his life plan for DJ, and Becky complains about the gilded cage she has built for herself. Other items on the agenda: Michael Jordan, too much tickling, and sexy dangerous spank bank cinema. Remember, everyone, it's the people that make Christmas special, not the presents, and if someone wishes you a happy holiday season, push their non-secular ass into traffic. P.S. Thank you to Mary Catherine and the 99 incredible Rude Dudes who came before her, you are truly the reason why we have been doing the show this long. Merry Christmas! XOXO

Direct download: 112._A_Very_Tanner_Christmas.m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 11:24pm EDT

Lilliana Winkworth showed up for the podcast wearing a fabulous loofah costume and she is not apologizing for it because it is 2016, baby! Join us as we review "Designing Mothers", in which Danny must once again tackle his fear of change and the Rush Hour Renegades fear for the soul of rock and roll. Will a new woman in Danny's life ruin his chances for happiness? Will a new woman in the lives of the Renegades ruin their chances for happiness? Do women just ruin shit all of the time, is that what we're supposed to fucking get from this? In other news: Snow globes, Sondheim, and a sexy new woman in Brandon's life might be ruining his chances for happiness. It's a brand spanking new episode of How Rude!, baby, so let's get down to it! XOXO

Direct download: 111._Designing_Mothers.m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:05am EDT

Greg Yates braved the insanity that is Chicago's Market Days celebration so he could record our 110th episode and for that we thank him. We thank you, dear Greg, for sitting with us and watching "I'm Not D.J.", in which Topanga and Brace Face (AKA "the Jennifers") pressure poor Stephanie into getting her ears pierced. Is she ready? Should she have placed her trust in Kimmy, a girl who is only trying to help but is consistently demonized by everyone around her? Perhaps only Stephanie can answer these questions. She is an individual, after all! Oh, but back to the gratitude: Thank you, Greg, for enduring the scene at Uncle Jasper's Kiddie Kuts, otherwise known as the Well of Infinite Nightmares. And thank you, Greg, for telling us about your retainer mendacity and the worst haircut he ever received. We love you, Greg! XOXO

Direct download: 110._Im_Not_D.J..m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:24am EDT

We learn a lot in this episode: We learn that the childhood fears of honorary Rude Dude, Gabi Moloney, were more than justified when you look at the terrifying evidence. We learn that doing 'shrooms in the forest comes with some basic safety rules you can't afford to ignore. We learn how Emma is a total butt. And we learn that Jon should never be the editor for a sleazy tabloid mag. But more than anything we learn that Michelle has lost her grip on the power she once wielded so effortlessly, all because a Norwegian Goat Boy and the Mutt Man are freaking her shit out on a daily basis. Can she spot a ray of hope in the form of her Uncle Joey, a man who has been terrorized by a closeted homosexual since his college days? We'll learn the answer to that question as well. Learning. Is. Fun. Duh. MENTAL, BABY. XOXO

Direct download: 109._Nice_Guys_Finish_First.m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:29am EDT

TJ King could not be more relaxed. With his authentic Japanese fan he is able to cool himself with minimal effort, and he has the sort of confidence one needs when you're a turtle who learns how to fly. He's got that X-factor, baby, and you can't teach that shit! Join TJ and your lovable co-hosts as we dive into "The Play's the Thing", in which an amazing young man named Derek destroys Michelle's world with the kind of talent she'll never possess. EVER. In other news, Danny is fucking with Becky's routine and Steve is being a whiny little prick. We debate the merits of Popeye's versus KFC, envision a better, more honest play for kids called America: The Real Shit, and come to realize that TJ is our second guest to confuse Dave Coulier with Jeff Daniels. LOOK! HERE COMES THAT YANKEE DOODLE BOY. XOXO

Direct download: 108._The_Plays_the_Thing_Final.m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 6:59am EDT

Matt Kidd faced the scorching summer heat to tell us all about his foul-mouthed grandmother, gossip-loving mother, and appreciation for twins with bountiful bottoms. Speaking of twins: Twins! There are way too many twins in "Trouble in Twin Town". There are also way too many fucking plots! Becky's snooty cousins are in town for the local twin expo and Jesse is determined to slap the silver spoons that are currently in their mouths so he can make them eat crow. Eat crow, you slob-hating snobs! Stephanie is pulling a "get smooched quick" scheme on a pair of mouth-breathing dum-dums. Be yourself, you thirsty queen! Danny is worried about Vicky's latest foray into the locker room of the Chicago Bears. She's getting fucked, dude, make your peace with it! Finally, Michelle is watching her distant relatives pretend to play Sega Game Gears. If you're so rich, buy a fucking cartridge, you Stephen King wannabes! Also: Jon tells an unsettling story about a friendly man's house and Brandon has an idea for a new video game. XOXO

Direct download: 107._Trouble_in_Twin_Town.m4a
Category:Comedy -- posted at: 7:11am EDT